So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
