broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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