My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
