Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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