someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
