Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
