ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
