At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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