i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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