well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
