Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
