My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
