final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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