mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So vagazzling was a success
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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