It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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