My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
