Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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