apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
