I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
