I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
