My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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