I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
