third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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