The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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