Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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