I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
