I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
