I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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