Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
