Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
