woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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