Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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