Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
