Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
