My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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