my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
