I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
