whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
