broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
