the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
