I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
