Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
