hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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