Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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