i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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