he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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