roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
