I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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