Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
