the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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