We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
