and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
